This draws on Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus in the Stoic tradition, alongside Zhuangzi’s teaching on remaining steady amid praise and blame in ancient China.
How to care less about what others think
Pause when you catch yourself performing for an unseen audience.
Look for the ordinary moments when you edit yourself before anyone has responded. It may happen while you write a message, or when you hold back a suggestion in a meeting. Stop for one breath and name the event silently: “I am imagining someone’s judgment.” Naming it gives you a little distance from the rush to please.
Write down whose opinion you are picturing.
Take two minutes with a note on your phone or a piece of paper. Be specific. Is it your boss, or a vague crowd of strangers? An imagined audience often feels enormous until you ask who is actually in it. If you cannot name anyone, write “the crowd” and notice how little guidance that gives for a real decision.
Ask whether this person has earned a vote on this choice.
Consider how well they know the subject and whether they will live with the consequences of the decision. A mentor may have useful perspective on work you are learning. A passing observer usually has very little at stake. You can ask this with no contempt for anyone. It simply helps you weigh each opinion.
Separate your action from their response.
Make two brief columns. In the first, write what is up to you, like how well you prepare and whether you speak honestly. In the second, write what belongs to others, such as their praise or their criticism. Epictetus’s central distinction is practical here. Put your attention on the first column before you move ahead.
Choose one small action you can stand behind today.
Keep the action modest enough to do within a day. Wear the color you usually avoid, or say which restaurant you actually want when friends are choosing. Pick something that matters to you, honesty for instance. You are practicing acting before anyone has said yes.
Do the action without asking for reassurance first.
Set a clear moment for it, perhaps before lunch or during your next conversation. Skip the extra text asking whether it is okay, unless feedback is genuinely needed for the task. Notice the pull to check or explain yourself, then go ahead anyway. You are giving your own judgment a chance to lead.
Review the day with fairness.
In the evening, take three minutes to write what you did and how people actually responded. Keep the focus on whether your conduct matched what mattered to you. Marcus Aurelius repeatedly returns to examining one’s own mind and actions. This short review builds a record that is more reliable than a passing reaction from someone else.